


i am monster

by vivienneandfred (theskittlesparty)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Romance, Strength, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-16
Updated: 2013-12-16
Packaged: 2018-01-04 21:39:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1085976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskittlesparty/pseuds/vivienneandfred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone knows about Remus Lupin. Someone knows what Mr. Moony is. How will Remus keep said someone quiet?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Though he'd never admit it, Remus John Lupin is more grateful for his friends than one could express with gratitude, word or action. So grateful to have companions who, despite knowing his serious shortcomings, apparently care deeply for him, want him within their company, find his presence pleasing, genuinely seek out the very best for him, that Remus would be anything they need of him if only to keep them as his. 

His need to be liked stretches deep and wide. He feels it within him, ever present, ever growing. His tongue marches to its beat, carrying words that might please. His lips bear its deed, wrapping a smile around all who know him. His feet bow to its command, offering his hours and his labour as would a merchant. 

This desperate, howling need dwells within his heart for one unspeakable reason. For one night, many long and arduous moons ago, when his innocence was stolen and his future buried beneath a row of wickedly sharp canines and a coat of lusciously thick fur.

Yet that night could not steal his heart, try as it might. 

Could another succeed where the first failed? His secrets multiply with every year, what is one more amongst the millions he owns already? Alas, not all secrets keep their silence as well as others. Some are more dangerous when not shared. Some can destroy a man already thought broken. 

How will his companions feel about Remus John Lupin once this last secret comes to light?


	2. Stop Your Sobbing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains violence and disturbing events that should only be read under caution. This will be the only explicit chapter in the fiction.

Remus John Lupin awoke in a cold sweat, panting slightly. He slid off his four poster bed and dry-heaved on the floor, doubled over on all fours. His hands trembled weakly under his weight. He collapsed, chest down, onto the stone floor and lay still. Shallow, raspy breathing could be heard from where he lay face down on the dormitory floor. He silently prayed no one had heard him.  
 But just as he pulled his remaining strength together to lift himself back onto the bed, using the red curtains for support, a voice sounded out across the dark dormitory.  
 “Moons, that you?” came the hoarse, sleep ridden voice of Sirius Orion Black. Remus paused where he was stooped over the bed, his knees bent painfully into the wooden surrounds of the bed frame. He tried to still his heavy breathing and willed Sirius to go back to sleep.  
 “Moony? Was it – was it another – you know?” Sirius asked hesitantly to the darkness. Remus sighed bodily and dragged himself back onto his bed. He looked across the dormitory to the direction of Sirius’ voice. Although the room was pitch black Remus could make out the sitting figure of Sirius, perched on the edge of his bed, as if ready to attack anyone who dared hurt his friend.  
 “Don’t worry about it, Pads, just a dream, nothing to worry about. Go back to bed, okay?” Remus rasped.  
 From what Remus could see of him, Sirius hardly look convinced. “Okay, Moons. But are you sure, mate? It sounded like you fell off your bed?” Sirius would not easily be pacified, it seemed.  
 “Nah, just knocked my Herbology textbook off. I was doing some late-night revision. You do know we have that test tomorrow?”  
Remus could already hear Sirius’ reply; “Test? Ah well, who needs Herbology anyways?”  
 “Actually, Padfoot, Herbology can come in very handy –” Remus didn’t get a chance to explain why as James Edward Potter grunted loudly.  
 “Would you two finish with your little heart to heart about plants already? Some of us need our beauty sleep, y’know?” James groaned, only half-awake.  
 “Sorry, Prongs,” came Remus’ quiet mumble, though it was overshadowed by Sirius’ very audible declaration that no amount of beauty sleep could help in James’ case. This was followed with a pillow thrown in the general direction of Sirius’ bed and a mumbled “Oi!” from Peter Archibald Pettigrew.  
 “Sorry, ‘Tail, just giving Padfoot some lessons on manners,” James said with little evidence of remorse.  
 Sirius snorted, Peter grunted and Remus smiled. The dormitory fell into silence once again; the only sounds those of the slumbering boys’ peaceful breathing.  


.

  
Remus stared hungrily down at his mountain of bacon and sausages, reaching out for the red sauce. He was about to lace his breakfast with it when a letter landed neatly atop his bacon. He looked up to the ceiling in surprise; he certainly hadn’t heard the owls come in.  
 This one, it seemed, had been a tad early, as thousands of owls came swooping down from the ceiling momentarily. Remus looked back down at his own letter. It couldn’t be from his parents; they never wrote him on a weekend but apart from them, he never received any letters. After all, he hadn’t any friends before Hogwarts.  
 “Watcha got there, Moony?” Sirius asked through a mouthful of scrambled egg.  
 “A letter,” Remus responded automatically.  
 “No kidding. Who is it from?” James joined, carefully choosing between a chocolate croissant and a custard danish.  
 “Er, dunno. I never usually get letters on the weekend.”  
 “Well go on, open it, then!” Peter encouraged from behind his mountain of buttered toast. Remus fingered the letter nervously, twisting it around in his thin hands. There was no return address. He picked up his unused butter knife and slit the envelope open, revealing a pale piece of parchment with one line scratched neatly onto it. He read it silently.  
Remus Lupin, I know your secret. I suggest you meet me in the Astronomy Tower at midnight this eve where we can discuss the matter of keeping it private.  
There was no signature.  
 Remus had to grab the edge of the table to keep from fainting. He pressed his eyelids together hard and breathed in slowly. This can’t be happening, he thought. It must be a joke. Yes, someone’s sick idea of a joke at his expense.  
 “Moony? Wassamatter? You look like you’ve just seen your own funeral,” James joked lightly. I have, Remus thought, though he merely shrugged at James and shoved the letter into his pocket. He daren’t look around in case whoever had sent the letter was watching him.  
 “Is it your parents, Moony? Are they okay?” Sirius pressed. Remus remained silent.  
 “C’mon, Moony, you know you can tell us anything,” James prompted. Remus stared at him blankly, before pushing away his full plate and standing up. He had to get out of there.  
 “I’ll see you in Transfiguration,” Remus told them, his voice breaking slightly, before exiting the Hall very quickly.  


.

  
“Moony?”  
 “Moony?”  
 “Moony, please talk to me. Are the dreams getting worse? What was it this time?” Sirius was lounged out over an armchair in the common room, with Remus sitting reluctantly by his feet.  
 “Oh, you know – the same old song: I’m drowning within a powdery pool of moonlight, choking on nothing, sinking into instinct, all the while there in the periphery are all the students and faculty of Hogwarts, laughing raucously at the sight of me, struggling for breath, struggling to maintain myself. As the ocean around me swells, as I feel my body changing, as my vision begins to fade from white to pink to red, four voices can be heard above all else, wishing me luck on the other side of good, bidding me a wicked farewell of indifference.” Remus had never actually outright told Sirius to whom those familiar voices belonged, yet he had a feeling Sirius was more astute then he led anyone to believe.  
 “Maybe you should pay a visit to Madame Pomfrey about this,” suggested Sirius.  
 “No!” Remus shouted, startling a couple of first years, “I can handle my own problems. I don’t need someone else fighting my battles for me.”  
 “But Moony, you’re not sleeping –” Sirius pressed on.  
 “I said no, Sirius, damn it! I am not weak!” Remus snarled.  
 “I never said that, mate,” Sirius said, cowering slightly at Remus’ sudden, extremely uncharacteristic rage.  
 “Yeah, you didn’t need to,” Remus stated angrily, getting up and storming up to the dormitories. Sirius was left to question the sanity of his normally placid friend alone.  


.

  
Remus made his way slowly up to the Astronomy Tower at four minutes to midnight, beneath James’ invisibility cloak. He passed Peeves on the way, who was busy filling in all the keyholes of the broom cupboards by Filch’s office with chewing gum. The temptation was great but Remus quelled his marauder side, knowing if he was caught it would be disastrous.  
 He slipped off the cloak at the bottom of the Tower and proceeded to climb the steps quietly. Before he had reached the top, however, a cold, sweaty hand clasped tightly around his neck and he was thrown forcefully against the wall. He tried to turn his head to see who it was but the grip tightened, causing him to choke. After a few spluttering seconds the grip loosened just enough to allow Remus a hagged breath. He tried desperately to unwrap the hand from around his throat but to no avail. The hand dragged him up the rest of the stairs by his neck. His foot caught on the last step and he stumbled onto the Astronomy Tower balcony. The hand unwrapped itself from his throat and shoved him hard onto the stone floor. He knocked his head on the stone and cursed loudly.  
 “Now, now, Mr Lupin, no need for such language or I shall have to wash the dirt from your mouth,” came the sneering drawl of one Lucius Malfoy. Remus needn't look at him to know it, that voice was recognisable to any Hogwarts student worth his galleon. He refused to allow his body to turn on instinct; he didn’t want to see Lucius’ nasty glare, which would surely kill his one last hope that this was all some rather elaborate hoax.  
 “Look at me when I am talking to you!” Lucius snarled, stamping on the back of Remus’ head so his face smashed into the stone. A cruel crack announced the break of his nose. Remus twisted around on the floor until he was facing Lucius, blood trickling warmly over his lips.  
 “That’s better, now I can see the face of the foul, disgusting, filthy, contemptuous little half-breed who dares contaminate Hogwarts walls with it’s presence.”  
 Remus winced as his last, deadened hopes slipped violently from his grasp.  
 “Aw, did I hurt the poor animal’s feelings? There, there little werewolf. There, there,” Lucius patted him on the head in a patronising manner. He crouched down over Remus, his face mere inches away and spat in Remus’ face. Remus made to wipe his forehead but Lucius stepped on his right hand, grabbing hold of his left. Lucius’ other hand slid from the top of Remus’ head, caressing his cheek and the skin behind his ear. Remus pulled away from the touch and the hand gripped the back of his neck tightly, jerking his head forward again.  
 “Play nice now, werewolf, or I might have to hurt you again.”  
 Remus felt Lucius’ hot breath on his lips and shuddered, causing the grip on his neck to tighten. Suddenly, the hand grabbed at his hair and pulled his head back violently. Lucius leaned over him and, with lips nearly touching his own, whispered menacingly at Remus.  
 “Now, how are we to address this problem of yours, werewolf? How will you repay me for keeping such a succulent piece of information to myself? Hmm?” Remus stared up at him with a mixture of fear and loathing.  
 “ANSWER ME!” Lucius jerked his head back further, so it was almost touching the stone floor. Remus let out a gurgle of pain.  
 “Do you want me to tell all of the parents that their precious Hogwarts students have been mingling with a dangerous Dark creature?” Remus tried to shake his head but Lucius’ grip was too tight. He let out another gurgle in protest.  
 “What was that?” Lucius droned.  
 “NO! Please, Lucius, no! Don’t tell – agh!” Lucius smashed Remus’ head into the stone floor again in anger.  
 “How dare you speak my name, filthy half-breed? You only call me Master, insolent werewolf!” Lucius spat in his face again.  
 “Yes, Master!” Remus wheezed. Tears were pricking his eyes but he willed them not to fall. He would not cry in front of Lucius Malfoy.  
 “Good, good. Now, be a nice little Dark creature and do as you are told. I want you to remember tonight. Remember it always.”  
 Remus was too frightened to do anything but nod. Lucius released his hair and his hand, thought he leant on it with his knee instead, so that he was straddling Remus. Remus flinched at the close contact, which made Lucius sneer.  
 “Oh, don’t tell me the Dark creature is a virgin? Oh, this is priceless!” Lucius lowered his head closer to Remus, their lips nearly touching again. Remus closed his eyes tightly as Lucius’ mouth hovered above them, his hot breath stinging. Then Lucius licked his eyelid, causing Remus to flinch again. Remus heard Lucius laugh hollowly. Lucius licked his eyelid again and then traced his tongue down his cheekbone and along his jaw. The tongue travelled back up to his eyelid and then moved over to his ear. Remus jerked his head as Lucius bit down sharply on his earlobe.  
 “There, there, werewolf,” Lucius breathed quietly, sounding more distant than he previously had. He licked inside Remus’ ear then moved so that his lips once again hovered over his mouth. Then his hands started roaming.  
 They moved over every inch of Remus’ upper body, caressing the skin under his shirt roughly. Lucius groaned into Remus lips, leaving bare millimetres of air between them. Remus felt ill, so ill he could wretch right there. What in Merlin's name was going on? Why was Lucius touching him like that? Distantly, Remus wondered if the 7th year was still with Sirius’ cousin. Lucius moved his mouth lower and bit the side of Remus’ neck, causing another involuntary jerk from Remus, who began struggling under the weight of the older man. Lucius pressed his hips down onto Remus’, grinding and groaning. Remus tried to yell, yet all that came out was another pained gurgle. Lucius pushed Remus’ head back onto the cold stone, pressing down with his whole weight onto his forehead. Remus felt the stone grinding against his skull and winced. Then Lucius pressed his lips against Remus’, pushing so hard that Remus felt his lip split. Lucius licked at the blood, then pressed his tongue between Remus’ lips and entered his warm cavity. Remus concentrated all his energy on not crying, now realising that struggling was getting him nowhere.  
 Lucius groaned into the rough kiss, making Remus’ lips tingle uncomfortably. Lucius’ hands were still rubbing over every part of Remus’ torso, pinching his skin painfully now and then. Lucius mumbled something incoherent into Remus’ lips, then pulled away suddenly. Remus wouldn’t meet Lucius’ eyes, so Lucius grabbed his hair and pulled him until their eyes met. Remus saw pure lust in those black pools of ink.  
 He knew what was coming, now, and began to fight back. Lucius was far stronger, however, and kneed him in the chest before placing a hand heavily over Remus’ throat, crushing his windpipe. Lucius pressed his lips against Remus’ once again, more forceful than before and pushed his tongue deeper, causing Remus to gag. Remus felt Lucius grin against his lips. Then he was moving away again and suddenly his hands were moving lower.  


.

  
His eyes were closed, tight as they may. He made certain to remain blind to everything. He removed all image, thought, memory and awareness from mind. And yet still, Remus could see the waxing moon, cheerful and content, laughing at him, gleeful in the misery it was and would continue bestowing upon him. Through every grunt, through every vulgar movement that shred the skin of his thin chest against the stone of the tower wall, through every waking moment he desperately hoped to end entirely, there it was, winking mischievously, all knowing.  
The moon has all the answers.  
The moon holds all the cards.  
He sees it still, behind his eyelids, behind the curtains of his conscience.  
Remus’ favourite in every month was the day of the new moon, when the sky was a perfect blanket of navy velvet. He never could fathom how people could be afraid of the dark.  
How strange to be damaged. How curious that he could be reduced to this one distant and dangerous globe rather than the person he might once have been. How tragic.  
How right.  
As he felt Lucius’ weight finally leave him, he collapsed boneless against the wall. It was over. It was done. He sank down onto the stone, wrapping his arms around his knees and resting his head against the stone wall, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.  
 “Not anymore, werewolf,” Remus looked up at Lucius as he spoke, meeting an oddly blank stare, “you’re not a fucking virgin anymore, you dirty animal! You are scum, even more so than before! You fucking queer! You dirty little werewolf.”  
 Lucius spat at him again, then raised his foot and slammed it into Remus’ face.  


.

  
Remus woke up sprawled out over the Astronomy Tower balcony. His face and his backside pounded painfully. And then he remembered. He remembered everything.  
 Pulling himself up, using the wall for support, he redressed himself, wincing as the cotton of his briefs brushed again his bruised skin. He grabbed his shirt, pulled it over his shoulders and clasped it to his chest with shaking hands. He felt around for his tie and school robes, and his belt. Then he ran out of the balcony and down the steps, forgetting about James’ cloak and tripping over the slippery cloth, falling to the floor with a loud thud. He reached behind him, grabbed up the invisibility cloak and threw it over himself.  
 Remus ran all the way to Gryffindor Tower without stopping. He screamed the password at the slumbering Fat Lady, who huffed in disapproval, until Remus extracted himself from the invisibility cloak and she caught sight of his face, tears running freely again, blood caked to his lips and chin. She swung forwards and he ignored her concerned calls, crawling awkwardly through the portrait hole and stumbling into the empty common room. He let out a desperate sob and then stumbled weakly to the boys’ dormitories.  


.

  
James woke up to the sound of the door opening. He saw, out of narrowed eyes, Remus walking over towards his trunk, though he couldn’t make out the lad's face. The distinct smell of sex wafted over to him as Remus replaced something in James’ trunk; the invisibility cloak. James smiled to himself as Remus left the dorm again, obviously going to take a shower.  
 James lay in his bed, waiting for Remus to come back so he could pounce on him and ask about the lucky girl. He grinned at the thought of his friend finally getting with a girl.  
 The grin vanished, though, when Remus stumbled into the dorm, wrapped in a towel and sobbing uncontrollably. James had wondered how it had taken Remus an entire hour just to shower. He couldn’t see his face, or the red rawness of his skin, but James could definitely hear the sad whimpering as Remus pulled on his pyjama bottoms and climbed into his bed. He pulled the curtains around him but James could still hear the muffled sobbing, even half an hour later.  
 James knew better than to confront Remus about it then and decided to leave it until morning. He’d never known his friend to cry before, except for the time when the kid has thought he’d lost them all as friends because they’d found out what he was. James would never forget seeing the usually calm and together boy lose it so quickly, and he had told himself then that he would never let it happen again.  
 Therefore, James was determined to find out why he had failed.


End file.
